Can divorce really affect kids

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Parents’ charity Parentline Plus is appealing for greater support for families going through the trauma of divorce and separation to help reduce the damaging effect on children.

The charity is deeply concerned that plans for parent support, being drawn up by local authorities across the country, with guidance from the Department for Children, Schools and Families, do not include specialist help for families who are experiencing high levels of conflict, splitting up or forming stepfamilies.

The calls are made in a new report, “Love Your Children More Than You Hate Each Other’ – The Impact of Divorce and Separation on Families: published after extensive consultation with parents who have experienced the devastating effects of family break up.

“The first two years I spent crying most of the time,” one mum told the charity. “It takes a long time to heal and you cannot help but involve the children in the upset.”

“Divorce and separation is a process that is profoundly distressing for all involved,” says Lucy Edington, Acting Chief Executive of Parentline Plus.

“In order to manage to reach agreements about anything, mothers and fathers and children need help and support to come to terms with what has been lost so that they can begin to re-build their lives. And because they are ashamed, traumatised, isolated and overwhelmed, services need to reach out to them.”

To compile the report, Parentline Plus analysed 20,000 calls to Parentline between October 2007 and March 2008 with almost 2,000 parents ringing the charity’s free, 24-hour Parentline – 0808 800 2222 – to seek specific support about the impact of divorce and separation. A further 2,222 parents called during that period to seek help for the impact of divorce and separation on children and young people. Thousands more lone parents rang about concerns for their children’s behaviour.

During those calls about the effects on children, concerns included difficulties over contact, impact on children’s behaviour and conflict as a result of a new partner or stepfamily.

The charity also spoke to groups of parents face to face and held an online survey, receiving 179 very passionate, heartfelt responses. Many parents said they found it impossible to resolve many issues, but particularly those around money. Parentline Plus finds this very worrying, particularly as new government policy expects parents to reach voluntary agreements about child maintenance.

Suzie Hayman, Trustee and spokeswoman of Parentline Plus says: “There is a real risk that lone mothers and their children could end up with serious financial problems due to voluntary maintenance arrangements which the government plan to introduce, unless plans to offer information are extended to offer real and practical specialist advice and support in order to reach agreement.”

“Parents pointed out that if it was possible to agree on things they would not be splitting up.”

She added: “It is really clear from our data that parents did not want or mean to cause harm to their children, but that their own emotional state interfered with their ability to do their best for the children.”

Since its inception in 1999, Parentline Plus has retained a specialism in supporting families who have experienced divorce, separation and re-partnering, because of the expertise of one of its founder charities, the National Stepfamily Association.

Parentline Plus’ calls for greater help and support have been backed by Trefor Lloyd, Director of the charity Working with Men, who said: “We very much welcome this report and its findings. Divorce and separation are almost always messy and the pain and suffering on all would be reduced if mothers and fathers could find independent, impartial advice and support at this critical time.

“Surprisingly few parenting organisations get involved when couples need it most and if they did we would have fewer messy court appointments and possibly fewer blokes up cranes.”

During the web survey Parentline Plus asked parents who have been through the trauma of divorce and separation what tips they would give others. Responses included:

“Put your children first. Always put your children first. Leave your point scoring and any power games to another arena. Look at the long term and ask yourself, are you really putting the children first.”
 

“Give the children constant reassurance that it is nothing to do with them and that mummy or daddy still love them the same but just don’t love each other any more.”

“Try not to look back and beat yourself up about mistakes you may have made in the past. You can’t change the past only worrying about it affects the present and the future.”

“Seek out people or groups where you can meet people with similar experiences. I found other people’s perspectives invaluable.”

“Before you split up with your partner it seems like an impossible, daunting, unthinkable task. Money, time, work, splitting furniture etc. But.. it’s all old memories and in no time at all and before you know it, you’re doing it on your own. You survived.”