Parents holiday stress

Parenting |

As schoolchildren countdown to their well-earned summer break, it can be a difficult time for parents – particularly when they are bringing up children alone, says national parenting charity Parentline Plus.

Complicated childcare arrangements, financial pressures and trying to keep bored children occupied are issues faced by all parents, but for lone parents they are often magnified.

Disagreements about where the children will spend time can flair up, underlying the fact that family life has changed and this is a painful process for children and adults. A quarter of British families are now headed by a single parent with 1.8 million mother and fathers raising their children single-handedly.

Parentline Plus, the biggest independent provider of parent support in the county, hears from thousand of lone parents each year and has now put together the following tips, for parents by parents to help take the pressure off the school holidays.

• Make a list of all the school holiday dates and how much childcare is needed so that your ex and extended family can understand the situation, especially if you work and are trying to juggle your own annual leave. Detail in the costs of childcare schemes so that all parties can come to some negotiation. Seeing the situation from each other’s perspective can help relieve any hostilities that might be brewing.

• If plans need to be changed remember to consult your ex, especially before booking anything. If both parties make an effort to be considerate it will make a big difference to the children.

• Don’t use contact or time together as a bargaining ploy. You may no longer be partners but you are forever parents, and your children need you to co-parent even if you no longer live together.

• If you or your ex wants to take the kids on holiday you may feel anxious, especially if the plan is to go abroad. Clear communication such as sharing information, itineraries, contact details and knowledge e.g. the children’s swimming ability or what sun factor they will need, will help put both parents at ease. Try to keep in touch whilst on holiday even if it’s a quick phone call or text.

• If you have negotiated a plan for the year or a period of time add the dates to a calendar for your children. If children feel they have contributed to the plan or know where they will be at a particular time, they will hopefully feel more at ease during the transition stages from one home to the other.

• Involve older children in the decision-making whenever possible. You may need to try and work out ground rules with your ex over the bigger issues such as leaving older children unattended. If you can talk to your ex try to keep them up to date on issues your teenager might not disclose such as exam revision so they can encourage them to study when they come to stay.

• Look out for any changes in your child. Are they more moody or withdrawn than usual? If so it may be due to the changes. Find a quiet time and ask them how they are. Tell them you know it is different and strange. Allowing them to be part of decision-making may help with these feelings.

• Be prepared to review and change arrangements and to discuss these with your children as they grow older. Younger children may need frequent short visits, whereas teenagers may prefer to spend weekends with friends but have regular email or telephone contact and holidays with the non-resident parent.

• Spread days together out over the school holidays so both parents have a chance to spend quality time with children.

• Where possible, it is good for children to have continuing contact with grandparents, aunts and uncles from both sides of their birth family, for the stability they offer and the continuing link with their own origins. Keeping in touch can also offer practical help as they can help with child care.

• You may feel resentful and hurt about your child spending time with the other parent, particularly at first but share those feelings with another adult, not the child. Children can pick up on our feelings and can be torn between parents, feel guilty and confused and may react by avoiding one parent or lashing out at the other.

• When your children do go off with your ex, you may feel a mixture of emotions from loneliness to relief. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling relieved when the children go off for the weekend – it’s tough bringing up children alone and you deserve a break. When the children go, your home will seem exceptionally quiet so try to make the most of the time by catching up with friends or doing something for yourself.

• Some holidays will have greater significance than others such as festivals, birthdays or special days. Children could spend the main festival day, a particular school holiday or birthday at one home one year and at the other parent’s house the next year. Or, sometimes, children can have more than one Easter or Passover, Diwali or Eid over a holiday period, they will love it.

• Try to be as fair as you can with your ex-partner and remember that your children’s school holidays may clash with that of step or half siblings.

• Single parents whose ex-partners have no involvement in the children’s lives, could consider striking a deal with friends in the holidays where you take turns to look after each other’s children. It is natural for children to feel hurt and angry about this and they will need lots of reassurance that you will always be there for them. You will also need to be patient will them as this anger may boil over from time to time.

• If you are thinking about taking your children away on holiday on your own, there are holiday companies who specialise in this, so check out the web or travel companies. There are also special insurance packages designed for holidaying single parents and their children.

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